Calling All Deniers

“[The EPA] recognized us [the Heartland Institute] as the pre-eminent organization opposing the radical climate alarmism agenda and instead promoting sound science and policy,” Tim Huelskamp, a former Kansas Republican congressman who now leads the group, said in a statement to the AP in a response to the newly released emails showing senior [appointed] EPA officials collaborating with a conservative group that dismisses climate change to rally like-minded people for public hearings on science and global warming, counter negative news coverage and tout Administrator Scott Pruitt’s stewardship of the agency.

This is precisely where my inner Louis Black completely flips the hell out.

The Ibex Bluetooth Doorbell We All Want (Well, I Do)

Designing the new Ibex Bluetooth doorbell speaker and the copy for its infomercial:

Tired of those annoying solicitors who ring your doorbell, interrupting your morning or wake up your sleeping kids? Those miserable a-holes who ignore the “NO SOLICITING” sign you painstakingly taped to your front door and still ding your bell? Don’t waste another moment telling those toolbags to fuck off! Let the Ibex Doorbell Speaker do it for you!

With the Ibex Bluetooth Doorbell speaker, you can bark extremely loud and offensive messages to the jerkwads at your door, randomly, every single time they touch the button, until they go away or break down in tears of shame. Including such classics as….

“Get bent!”

“Fuck off!”

“If you’re not delivering for Amazon, get off my porch!”

“Just… leave.”

“I’m armed and out of medication!”

“We’re atheists.”

“[COUGH!] We have teburculosis. I’ll be right down.”

“[Robotic voice] Please Swipe your debit card, we require a $20 transaction fee to listen to your sales pitch.”

“[screaming] You bring my money bitch? Don’t make me cut you!”

Order yours today!

Unfriendables

When I lead with, “you’re probably going to unfriend me for this…” I need to remember to grab a screenshot so that I can either apologize later for being an asshole or reuse the proven effective content. Though offending someone is never my intention, I’m leading with an apology.

I led with that line early this morning and – sure as shit – was unfriended by someone I genuinely respect. He’s a brilliant writer and has been through hell and back. I actually hoped we could collaborate on a project. It’s a bummer that the relationship turned.

This is where we all (meaning me) need to learn how to say, “while I disagree with you, we can still chat over coffee and be friends. Your opinion gives me perspective, and that makes me a better person.”

I also need to publicly state that my level of sarcasm is an acquired taste. If you don’t find my level of sarcasm funny, that’s totally ok. It’s not directed at, near or even remotely related to you or your beliefs. It’s mine. I find myself hysterical and I understand I’m usually the only one laughing at myself first. I rest assured knowing I beat everyone else to the punch by laughing at yours truly first.

I stopped taking myself seriously a lifetime ago. It’s helped me deal with the rest of your crazy asses since.

That why we’re all still friends. See? It works! So make a joke. Come at me with your best roast or one-liner.

Lighten the fuck up. Aim it at me. I’m your buddy, bring it.

Shitbag 🙂

Get Your Royal Name Here! (Please Don’t!)

These little apps that give you your pretend royalty name are so cute except THEY’RE A HORRIBLE IDEA! Stop it! Don’t do these!

Many of the apps include questions that either expose your current information or – worse – expose answers to questions from financial institutions as security questions. Ultimately they all lead back to identifying you in ways you don’t want to have used against you.

Listen, when you participate in polls, questionnaires or fun little apps on this social network, you begin by exposing your name, maybe your college or high school, then a few pictures of yourself, your friends and family and maybe your kids just by starting. You’re immediately handing all of your profile to the app developer, whom records the data you just delivered.

A little side hint: changing your profile name when you break up with someone doesn’t matter, we log you by your internal ID, not your name.

That basic information is just the entry point of cross-referencing your identity against other sources: public, leaked, hacked or otherwise. Data criminals are just warming up at that point.

If an app asks for your (current or first) street name, your grandparent’s name, your first pet’s name, or any digits of any phone number you ever had, or birth dates (month, date, year of you or your family members), to the name of your oldest niece/nephew…. STOP! That’s a terrible idea. Don’t answer that. Just … don’t.

With 2 data points, you can be found. It will take a lot of time but it only requires 2. Every additional detail is a bonus of less time until you’re literally handing over every intimate detail of your life, instantly. It will be available for sale in no time.

Give less. Protect you and yours.

Need help? Ask. I’ll find you. We can go from there.