I was just walking in the parking lot, towards my car, at the super market. I noticed a silver Jeep Cherokee coning towards me hauling ass. Older female drive, just casual as can be.
I’m already in a foul mood, unrelated to this.
“LOOK OUT!” I shouted, hands raised like she’s about to plow into a littler of kittens.
The driver slammed on her brakes leaving a good 10-15 feet of tread marks. She turned to me in a panic, “What?”
“Slow the fuck down. You’re in a parking lot.”
Apparently older lades in Jeep Cherokees know a LOT of foul language because she pretty much called me names I’ve never heard of as she rolled off.
I still hope she peed herself a little.
Rylan just announced, after finishing a second Megalodon Shark Week episode, “I want my two hours back.”
That’s my boy!!
You know you’re officially caring for a toddler when your conversation with him makes you sound like you’re a cross between Andrew Dice Clay and Bill Cosby with Tourette Syndrome.
Installed and reviewed a dozen or more mobile apps since midnight, all named after misspelled verbs. Sneezr, snottr, stinkr, fapr…whatevertheFr…. All seem mysteriously tied to getting laidr.
According to my kids, the definition of cruelty is dropping them off at summer day camp when there’s a brand new map pack for Call of Duty that released today. They’d much rather stay home in front of the XBox.
To add insult to injury, it includes a new map that ties in Minecraft, Indiana Jones and Call of Duty beautifully.
Worst. Dad. Ever.
The line between loving dad and drill sergeant blurs when I find chewed fingernails on my sofa. #filthyanimals
Parenting fail: Before I dropped Rylan and Caed off for their last day of the school year this morning, I decided to make a quick detour to a nearby doughnut shop to celebrate. We jumped out of the car and they flew through the front door. Caed rushed to the display window, straight for the brightly coated pink doughnuts.
It was at that moment that I pat my back pocket and realized that I left my wallet and cash sitting on the counter at home, just 35 miles and 45 minutes away. My heart sank as I had to break the cruel news to both boys. We sulked back to the car with little hope that I would find any currency in the console or glove box. There was none.
I showered the kids with apologies, “I don’t have any cash here in the car.. but, hey, here’s some old Trident gum as a consolation prize!” They both took a piece and chewed silently as we drove off to school.
They’ll be treated to insanely large doughnuts of their liking tomorrow after I pick them up. But, still…. I suck.