Dad, Mom says…

Dad and son outside at the grill.
Son: “Mom says you want to grill because it’s out here.”
Son: “Mom says you could cook this inside.”
Son: “Anything I can do to help?”
Dad: “Mom says you can go inside and rinse vegetables.”
Son: “If I don’t speak can I stay here?”

It’s Cool, Man, Just Fix It.

I had a disagreement with a programmer today and I realized my explanation sounded like it was coming from the Big Lebowski…

Me: Your new code is failing when it attempts to divide by zero for the tax rate.
Programmer: But it works here perfectly.
Me: Sure, I’m certain it does, but it fails … like everywhere else. Particularly when your variable is still set to zero and then you try to divide by it.
Programmer: But my code is correct.
Me: At times, sure man, except where… you know… the fundamentals of math are involved.
Programmer: How can I possibly fix what I don’t feel is broken?
Me: that’s the thing: feelings. Math doesn’t care about my feelings or your feelings. That’s the beauty of it, math is just math whoever the hell you are. And it says your code can’t divide by a variable that equals zero. Don’t let your code try to beat the laws of math, man, it will always lose. And it would be cool if you could get that into a pull request by the end of the day.

Howdy, Neighbor!

Wrapping a towel around a broom and sweeping the ceiling for cobwebs seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do at 03:00 this morning. Then I noticed the neighbor’s silhouette in their window and I reconsidered putting on clothes.

Hey, Dat!

Monet has this “tell” that I always seem to forget…
Monet: Hey, Dat, how was work today?
Me: Good! (short story about computers)
Monet: Hey, Dat, how was school today?
Me: Great! (short story ensues)
Monet: Hey, Dat, what did you learn today?
Me: Fun things like math and science!
Monet: Hey, Dat, I pooped.

Every. Single. Time.

Tent Camping with a 5 year-old

It’s 02:00, I’m wide awake and trapped in a tent with my 5-year old (whom is blissfully sound asleep -bless his lucky heart) at a park in Long Beach just feet from the noisy 605 freeway …with no less than 500 other kids and parents locked into this same “overnight extravaganza” experience.

Three problems I failed to account for: 1) I forgot headphones so I could watch Netflix without waking the child up. 2) my reading glasses are a mile away in the car….I’m literally typing this one letter at a time at my arm’s fullest distance.

Nevermind, 2 problems. I just peed into a water bottle. But I kinda wish I had my glasses for that one.


Yesterday – around 10:30 in the morning – our bird started freaking out in her cage and then the ground started shifting. This morning, a few minutes after 04:00, it sounded like the bird fell off of her perch and flapped around in the cage until I came to get her. She was really spooked. Come to find out: there was an aftershock at that time. I didn’t feel it but she sure as hell did. I’ve got a fluffy little seismometer that poops on my shoulders. Win-win.

Warm Spring Day

Everyone is all, “I’m at the beach!”, “I’m at the pool!”, “I’m having amazing food and adventures and booze!”

Meanwhile I’m chained to the desk in my tech cave completing transfer of assets and writing termination of service notices. Ooooh! Up next? TAXES!