I’m proposing we lose Columbus Day as a national holiday and replace it with the Monday after Super Bowl. I’m calling it, National “Bloated, Gassy and Kinda Hungover Day” but I’m open to suggestions.
That special ring of hell when your 2-year old desperately needs a nap but someone gave her candy. Raging hilarity ensues
Doctor: How much water do you drink every day?
Me: let’s see…coffee with breakfast, iced tea with lunch and wine with dinner. So, yeah, buckets of water.
“What?! No! You just went 5 minutes ago. You can hold it!”
“Seriously? We just left and all you did was stare at the wall. No way, I’m not stopping the car again.”
“Ohholyshit! Ok buddy I got you! Hang tight we’re gonna hustle and get you there! Hang on hang on hang on!”
Apparently I scold my bladder now as if it was one of my kids.
Getting old sucks. I’d hash tag that but I’m busy.
There are companies investing hundreds of millions of dollars into cramming more and more tech into goggles and glasses: gps, video recording, augmented overlays, social media feeds. That’s all fine and dandy. But they’re missing one critical feature that would revolutionize the tech space:
Auto-focus. My camera can do it. My phone can do it. Why can’t my glasses?
It’s “buTTon”, not “bu’in”. Double damage when it’s a newscaster, triple damage when it’s the station’s technology expert.
Dancing and singing in the living room to the Trolls soundtrack with my nearly 2-year old daughter.
This will likely be the last time that seeing her father’s dance moves will not make her cringe or die of embarrassment.
Designing the new Ibex Bluetooth doorbell speaker and the copy for its infomercial:
Tired of those annoying solicitors who ring your doorbell, interrupting your morning or wake up your sleeping kids? Those miserable a-holes who ignore the “NO SOLICITING” sign you painstakingly taped to your front door and still ding your bell? Don’t waste another moment telling those toolbags to fuck off! Let the Ibex Doorbell Speaker do it for you!
With the Ibex Bluetooth Doorbell speaker, you can bark extremely loud and offensive messages to the jerkwads at your door, randomly, every single time they touch the button, until they go away or break down in tears of shame. Including such classics as….
“If you’re not delivering for Amazon, get off my porch!”
“I’m armed and out of medication!”
“[COUGH!] We have teburculosis. I’ll be right down.”
“[Robotic voice] Please Swipe your debit card, we require a $20 transaction fee to listen to your sales pitch.”
“[screaming] You bring my money bitch? Don’t make me cut you!”
Order yours today!
When I lead with, “you’re probably going to unfriend me for this…” I need to remember to grab a screenshot so that I can either apologize later for being an asshole or reuse the proven effective content. Though offending someone is never my intention, I’m leading with an apology.
I led with that line early this morning and – sure as shit – was unfriended by someone I genuinely respect. He’s a brilliant writer and has been through hell and back. I actually hoped we could collaborate on a project. It’s a bummer that the relationship turned.
This is where we all (meaning me) need to learn how to say, “while I disagree with you, we can still chat over coffee and be friends. Your opinion gives me perspective, and that makes me a better person.”
I also need to publicly state that my level of sarcasm is an acquired taste. If you don’t find my level of sarcasm funny, that’s totally ok. It’s not directed at, near or even remotely related to you or your beliefs. It’s mine. I find myself hysterical and I understand I’m usually the only one laughing at myself first. I rest assured knowing I beat everyone else to the punch by laughing at yours truly first.
I stopped taking myself seriously a lifetime ago. It’s helped me deal with the rest of your crazy asses since.
That why we’re all still friends. See? It works! So make a joke. Come at me with your best roast or one-liner.
Lighten the fuck up. Aim it at me. I’m your buddy, bring it.
“Something tasty from behind the counter?” The hottest woman working the coffee shop asked me. It’s the first time in the months that I’ve been coming here that she apparently noticed me. Rarely has a week gone by that I didn’t notice she was wearing a different black sweater, a different knitted bracelet, a new pair of her earrings.
We smiled at each other for a few moments, before it became uncomfortable, appreciating the innuendo.
It must be a good hair day. I’ll take it.