This side… nope.

The Law of Averages says you can flip a coin and it will land heads-up about 50% of the time.

The laws governing my life mandate that in 99 out of 100 attempts, I will blindly plug in a USB cable upside down.

Additionally – because the universe has a sadistic sense of humor – 80% of those attempts will involve the cable bending naturally, but in the opposite direction I need it to bend.

Dad, Mom says…

Dad and son outside at the grill.
Son: “Mom says you want to grill because it’s out here.”
Son: “Mom says you could cook this inside.”
Son: “Anything I can do to help?”
Dad: “Mom says you can go inside and rinse vegetables.”
Son: “If I don’t speak can I stay here?”

It’s Cool, Man, Just Fix It.

I had a disagreement with a programmer today and I realized my explanation sounded like it was coming from the Big Lebowski…

Me: Your new code is failing when it attempts to divide by zero for the tax rate.
Programmer: But it works here perfectly.
Me: Sure, I’m certain it does, but it fails … like everywhere else. Particularly when your variable is still set to zero and then you try to divide by it.
Programmer: But my code is correct.
Me: At times, sure man, except where… you know… the fundamentals of math are involved.
Programmer: How can I possibly fix what I don’t feel is broken?
Me: that’s the thing: feelings. Math doesn’t care about my feelings or your feelings. That’s the beauty of it, math is just math whoever the hell you are. And it says your code can’t divide by a variable that equals zero. Don’t let your code try to beat the laws of math, man, it will always lose. And it would be cool if you could get that into a pull request by the end of the day.

Howdy, Neighbor!

Wrapping a towel around a broom and sweeping the ceiling for cobwebs seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do at 03:00 this morning. Then I noticed the neighbor’s silhouette in their window and I reconsidered putting on clothes.

Hey, Dat!

Monet has this “tell” that I always seem to forget…
Monet: Hey, Dat, how was work today?
Me: Good! (short story about computers)
Monet: Hey, Dat, how was school today?
Me: Great! (short story ensues)
Monet: Hey, Dat, what did you learn today?
Me: Fun things like math and science!
Monet: Hey, Dat, I pooped.

Every. Single. Time.