I’m not single – but if I was – my Tinder profile would simply state that I regularly grill Carne Asada tacos from scratch and a pizookie that fills a 12” cast iron skillet.
Wrapping a towel around a broom and sweeping the ceiling for cobwebs seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do at 03:00 this morning. Then I noticed the neighbor’s silhouette in their window and I reconsidered putting on clothes.
Monet has this “tell” that I always seem to forget…
Monet: Hey, Dat, how was work today?
Me: Good! (short story about computers)
Monet: Hey, Dat, how was school today?
Me: Great! (short story ensues)
Monet: Hey, Dat, what did you learn today?
Me: Fun things like math and science!
Monet: Hey, Dat, I pooped.
Every. Single. Time.
It’s 02:00, I’m wide awake and trapped in a tent with my 5-year old (whom is blissfully sound asleep -bless his lucky heart) at a park in Long Beach just feet from the noisy 605 freeway …with no less than 500 other kids and parents locked into this same “overnight extravaganza” experience.
Three problems I failed to account for: 1) I forgot headphones so I could watch Netflix without waking the child up. 2) my reading glasses are a mile away in the car….I’m literally typing this one letter at a time at my arm’s fullest distance.
Nevermind, 2 problems. I just peed into a water bottle. But I kinda wish I had my glasses for that one.
Yesterday – around 10:30 in the morning – our bird started freaking out in her cage and then the ground started shifting. This morning, a few minutes after 04:00, it sounded like the bird fell off of her perch and flapped around in the cage until I came to get her. She was really spooked. Come to find out: there was an aftershock at that time. I didn’t feel it but she sure as hell did. I’ve got a fluffy little seismometer that poops on my shoulders. Win-win.
Everyone is all, “I’m at the beach!”, “I’m at the pool!”, “I’m having amazing food and adventures and booze!”
Meanwhile I’m chained to the desk in my tech cave completing transfer of assets and writing termination of service notices. Ooooh! Up next? TAXES!
Tim Burton does Dumbo? After what he did to Alice in Wonderland? I cringed when I heard it. In the first day, Rotten Tomatoes is ranking at 64%. Color me not shocked.
For all of the smart features the Instapot has, it lacks the “I forgot I put the lid gasket in the dishwasher and that’s probably why the kitchen suddenly smells so strongly of the broth I’m making… holyshittheresliquideverywhere!”
Yeah. That feature.
Someone please start a new fast food restaurant that copies Chick-Fil-A’s entire menu. Do everything they do except meddle in the lives and rights of consenting adults. I’ll be happy to feed my family from there at least 3 or 4 times a month. Oh, and call the new restaurant, “Chick-We’re-Gay-And-It’s-A-OK!”
Thanks. Good chat.
I’m proposing we lose Columbus Day as a national holiday and replace it with the Monday after Super Bowl. I’m calling it, National “Bloated, Gassy and Kinda Hungover Day” but I’m open to suggestions.