Take Back Your Social Network

Start Taking Back Your Social Network in 3 Simple Steps:

1. Disable Notifications AND Location services – unless you’re using social media for your business, you do not need to be reminded to look at your mobile every 10 minutes, despite what advertisers think. Nor do you need to broadcast your location even while you’re not using an app. Your phone is already doing that for you.

2. Uninstall Messenger – this is the worst application and demands far too much access to your personal details. I installed it briefly and its constant nagging for access to my contacts list and demands to send me notifications just means that its gone, gone and gone.

3. Click the Remove button on every single “People You May Know” referral – I will write extensively about the problems with this part of the system later, but ultimately it does nothing to serve you.

There are further steps that can help ensure the best experience for you online, but these are the most significant to start reducing the noise that is flooding your feed and preventing you from connecting with the friends and family you came here for.

Calling All Deniers

“[The EPA] recognized us [the Heartland Institute] as the pre-eminent organization opposing the radical climate alarmism agenda and instead promoting sound science and policy,” Tim Huelskamp, a former Kansas Republican congressman who now leads the group, said in a statement to the AP in a response to the newly released emails showing senior [appointed] EPA officials collaborating with a conservative group that dismisses climate change to rally like-minded people for public hearings on science and global warming, counter negative news coverage and tout Administrator Scott Pruitt’s stewardship of the agency.

This is precisely where my inner Louis Black completely flips the hell out.

The Ibex Bluetooth Doorbell We All Want (Well, I Do)

Designing the new Ibex Bluetooth doorbell speaker and the copy for its infomercial:

Tired of those annoying solicitors who ring your doorbell, interrupting your morning or wake up your sleeping kids? Those miserable a-holes who ignore the “NO SOLICITING” sign you painstakingly taped to your front door and still ding your bell? Don’t waste another moment telling those toolbags to fuck off! Let the Ibex Doorbell Speaker do it for you!

With the Ibex Bluetooth Doorbell speaker, you can bark extremely loud and offensive messages to the jerkwads at your door, randomly, every single time they touch the button, until they go away or break down in tears of shame. Including such classics as….

“Get bent!”

“Fuck off!”

“If you’re not delivering for Amazon, get off my porch!”

“Just… leave.”

“I’m armed and out of medication!”

“We’re atheists.”

“[COUGH!] We have teburculosis. I’ll be right down.”

“[Robotic voice] Please Swipe your debit card, we require a $20 transaction fee to listen to your sales pitch.”

“[screaming] You bring my money bitch? Don’t make me cut you!”

Order yours today!


When I lead with, “you’re probably going to unfriend me for this…” I need to remember to grab a screenshot so that I can either apologize later for being an asshole or reuse the proven effective content. Though offending someone is never my intention, I’m leading with an apology.

I led with that line early this morning and – sure as shit – was unfriended by someone I genuinely respect. He’s a brilliant writer and has been through hell and back. I actually hoped we could collaborate on a project. It’s a bummer that the relationship turned.

This is where we all (meaning me) need to learn how to say, “while I disagree with you, we can still chat over coffee and be friends. Your opinion gives me perspective, and that makes me a better person.”

I also need to publicly state that my level of sarcasm is an acquired taste. If you don’t find my level of sarcasm funny, that’s totally ok. It’s not directed at, near or even remotely related to you or your beliefs. It’s mine. I find myself hysterical and I understand I’m usually the only one laughing at myself first. I rest assured knowing I beat everyone else to the punch by laughing at yours truly first.

I stopped taking myself seriously a lifetime ago. It’s helped me deal with the rest of your crazy asses since.

That why we’re all still friends. See? It works! So make a joke. Come at me with your best roast or one-liner.

Lighten the fuck up. Aim it at me. I’m your buddy, bring it.

Shitbag 🙂

Get Your Royal Name Here! (Please Don’t!)

These little apps that give you your pretend royalty name are so cute except THEY’RE A HORRIBLE IDEA! Stop it! Don’t do these!

Many of the apps include questions that either expose your current information or – worse – expose answers to questions from financial institutions as security questions. Ultimately they all lead back to identifying you in ways you don’t want to have used against you.

Listen, when you participate in polls, questionnaires or fun little apps on this social network, you begin by exposing your name, maybe your college or high school, then a few pictures of yourself, your friends and family and maybe your kids just by starting. You’re immediately handing all of your profile to the app developer, whom records the data you just delivered.

A little side hint: changing your profile name when you break up with someone doesn’t matter, we log you by your internal ID, not your name.

That basic information is just the entry point of cross-referencing your identity against other sources: public, leaked, hacked or otherwise. Data criminals are just warming up at that point.

If an app asks for your (current or first) street name, your grandparent’s name, your first pet’s name, or any digits of any phone number you ever had, or birth dates (month, date, year of you or your family members), to the name of your oldest niece/nephew…. STOP! That’s a terrible idea. Don’t answer that. Just … don’t.

With 2 data points, you can be found. It will take a lot of time but it only requires 2. Every additional detail is a bonus of less time until you’re literally handing over every intimate detail of your life, instantly. It will be available for sale in no time.

Give less. Protect you and yours.

Need help? Ask. I’ll find you. We can go from there.

A Male #MeToo Experience

I was once the CTO of a company that operated clinics across the country. One day during a routine visit to the corporate headquarters, and during a routine conversation with the director of billing and a vendor of our billing software – both of whom were women – I had to diagnose one of the billing computers that was having issues connecting to the network.

That was when the director of billing grabbed my butt while I was under the desk replacing a network cable. She did this in front of our female vendor. The director laughed, the vendor chuckled. I walked out of the building and left for the day.

I approached the director the next day and explained that the event was totally unacceptable. Had I done the same to her, I would have been fired on the spot. To make things worse, I had to now deal with the vendor to explain that this was not acceptable company behavior. I was furious because I had to apologize for a co-worker’s misconduct towards me. But with those two conversations out of the way, and an apology accepted, I dismissed the matter as water under the bridge, never to be repeated.

Right up until the CEO called me into her office. I sat as she wrapped up a phone call, smoking a pencil-thin Capri cigarette (this was her company, she could smoke anywhere she damned well pleased).

“I heard there was an incident last week” she began.

“Yeah, I dealt with it.” I explained, and described how I addressed it with the director, then the vendor and how I wasn’t intending to bring it up further. This was all really embarrassing, but it was over in my opinion.

“She came to me,” the CEO explained, “to confess about it. I obviously told her it was wrong.” She exhaled a cloud of smoke, “But I can’t say that I blame her.”

I just sat there for a moment, not breathing, before asking if there was anything else to discuss.

I was laid off by the company 3 weeks later.

Workplace harassment is wrong, period. It does have its own nuances based on gender, though. For a man amongst other men, the norm implies that he should consider himself so lucky, even if the female is a direct supervisor. Even better if she’s attractive. I know this firsthand because most men I’ve told this story to ask immediately, “Was she hot?” One once asked if I punched her, as if that was somehow an acceptable response.

I’ve held off mentioning this in light of the #meToo movement because – in my opinion – I wasn’t victimized, I wasn’t abused, I didn’t have to endure anything that I couldn’t address in person with the individual who was not my supervisor. Except for the CEO. That part blew my mind. To me, this was dismissed until the CEO turned it into something completely different. The only reason I’m bringing this up now is so that other men who have had to deal with this kind of situation understand that they aren’t alone. As men, we don’t have a network of support when things don’t go our way. We have to man up, get over it, quit being such a bitch and move on.

It happens on both sides of the desk. While men are less likely to deal with being the unwanted recipient, it does happen. The reaction of corporation and the law should be the same, regardless of gender.

I obviously moved on but the events definitely changed how I interacted with my co-workers and later my staff over the years, for the better I think. I hope something helpful came out of it. I hope me sharing this makes a difference for you, too.