No Place for a Poop

Riddle me this: the local news will cover a comical story of a grown woman taking a dump in the middle of an isle of a grocery store, chuckling that they “won’t dare show any images of the act.”

Yet the horrific scene of a father throwing his infant to the ground in front of his mother during a domestic dispute is replayed over and over and over again.

I’ve developed software robots with a better sense of humanity than the jackholes who are deciding what and how the morning news is covered.

CNC for Fun and Profit

I walked into an aerospace manufacturing shop back in 1996 and introduced myself. I spent the next 8 months developing a paperless software solution for managing every detail of every part the shop built. From inspection reports, routing, treatments, to inventory. It was my first comprehensive solution that unexpectedly turned my career 90 degrees in a different direction.

I’m still helping them today. And 22 years later, their entire operation is still relying on what I built for them (with major updates along the way, of course).

As I was sweating buckets on their shop floor today, I recalled back when I worked at Boeing in Long Beach, managing all of the desktop computers for the C-17 division, as they were likely using the parts my client was manufacturing. There is a stark difference between the filthy, hot, shrapnel covered machine shop environment compared to the Foreign Object Damage (FOD) prevention obsession of the pristine assembly space for those aircraft with shiny painted and immaculate concrete floors and organized work spaces.

They are two sides of the same coin. I love both environments. I’m totally comfortable in either, minus the heat. Just need to step up my game on hand-coded CNC instructions to the skill level my client demands. You know, if I needed to go mill some robot parts.

Fun shit.

Bizarre interview moment, #38

Sitting in the conference room with the in-house recruiter who is whispering secrets about the company to me when the CEO enters. I stand, we shake hands and exchange pleasantries, and he then stares at me, emotionless, for 1…2…3…4… seconds, then sits.

I sit and smile, looking to the recruiter to direct the conversation or at least make the first move. Instead? Silence. I guess this is my meeting to run, then. Ok, I launch with my understanding with where the product is at and the short term upscale trajectory that needs to deliver in nearly 60 days.

The CEO sat and just looked at me, mostly without emotion, for nearly 30 seconds. He scratched his nose (there’s a tell), rolled his head to look at the recruiter sitting next to him, and said nothing. Then he rolled his head back towards me and waited for at least another 10 seconds and said, “You look different than your picture.”

After 30 minutes of rambling questions that were really nothing more than an opportunity for the CEO to speak, he departs and another gentleman enters. A COO of some sort. Suddenly, we’re engaged. Hard hitting questions with no nonsense answers about leadership, tough decisions and managing the unique personalities of a diverse development team struggling with an antiquated code base. This is my realm! Yes!!

At one point he asked how comfortable I would be doing a code review of software written in PHP v4. I deadpanned my expression and paused while waking up some neurons from 15 years ago.

“Bring it. That’s ancient but so am I.”

We talked for nearly 2 hours. He had to run having gone grossly over schedule. The recruiter had been fighting to stay awake throughout it all as we went deep on the tech. Once the COO left, the recruiter asked me, “you know who he was, right?”

“Yeah, James, the COO, right?”

“No,” he whispered, “That was James, this company’s founder and original developer.”

Planting the Seeds of Revenge

Every action has short and long term results. Today, we’re planting the seeds for the next generation of enemies of our country. As these children whimper themselves to sleep on hard mats, under loud emergency blankets, in a cage surrounded by armed guards, we’re growing permanent enemies.

Regardless If they ever find their families again, these children will never be the same. They will remember the cold heartless void of humanity on our side of the wall and we will become the target of their revenge. They are hardening at this moment, and collectively we are the cause.

I don’t want to be a part of the problem, so I need to be a part of the solution.

You Have the Gullible Virus

An associate of mine – who is not a technical person by any means – just called to let me know that Apple called him alerting him of a virus on his computer. The story just goes south from there in flames.

If you get a call like this, even if the number appears to come from Apple or Microsoft or Dell or anyone else, you are being scammed, victimized. Here’s what to do in the event someone says you have a virus and needs access to your computer:

Step 1: hang up.

End of scam.

Dear Mr. Bourdain

Damnit! I hoped to share a beer and a story with you some day. You had a mastery of word and an intimate knowledge of the texture that makes us all human. I’m so sorry it was too much to bear. That part I understand. But I’m admittedly angry that you made your closest friend find you like this.

You’re going to genuinely be missed, Tony.

Take Back Your Social Network

Start Taking Back Your Social Network in 3 Simple Steps:

1. Disable Notifications AND Location services – unless you’re using social media for your business, you do not need to be reminded to look at your mobile every 10 minutes, despite what advertisers think. Nor do you need to broadcast your location even while you’re not using an app. Your phone is already doing that for you.

2. Uninstall Messenger – this is the worst application and demands far too much access to your personal details. I installed it briefly and its constant nagging for access to my contacts list and demands to send me notifications just means that its gone, gone and gone.

3. Click the Remove button on every single “People You May Know” referral – I will write extensively about the problems with this part of the system later, but ultimately it does nothing to serve you.

There are further steps that can help ensure the best experience for you online, but these are the most significant to start reducing the noise that is flooding your feed and preventing you from connecting with the friends and family you came here for.

Calling All Deniers

“[The EPA] recognized us [the Heartland Institute] as the pre-eminent organization opposing the radical climate alarmism agenda and instead promoting sound science and policy,” Tim Huelskamp, a former Kansas Republican congressman who now leads the group, said in a statement to the AP in a response to the newly released emails showing senior [appointed] EPA officials collaborating with a conservative group that dismisses climate change to rally like-minded people for public hearings on science and global warming, counter negative news coverage and tout Administrator Scott Pruitt’s stewardship of the agency.

This is precisely where my inner Louis Black completely flips the hell out.

The Ibex Bluetooth Doorbell We All Want (Well, I Do)

Designing the new Ibex Bluetooth doorbell speaker and the copy for its infomercial:

Tired of those annoying solicitors who ring your doorbell, interrupting your morning or wake up your sleeping kids? Those miserable a-holes who ignore the “NO SOLICITING” sign you painstakingly taped to your front door and still ding your bell? Don’t waste another moment telling those toolbags to fuck off! Let the Ibex Doorbell Speaker do it for you!

With the Ibex Bluetooth Doorbell speaker, you can bark extremely loud and offensive messages to the jerkwads at your door, randomly, every single time they touch the button, until they go away or break down in tears of shame. Including such classics as….

“Get bent!”

“Fuck off!”

“If you’re not delivering for Amazon, get off my porch!”

“Just… leave.”

“I’m armed and out of medication!”

“We’re atheists.”

“[COUGH!] We have teburculosis. I’ll be right down.”

“[Robotic voice] Please Swipe your debit card, we require a $20 transaction fee to listen to your sales pitch.”

“[screaming] You bring my money bitch? Don’t make me cut you!”

Order yours today!