A love letter

Dear Power Pressure Cooker XL,

I know we’ve never met in person but I’ve been really distracted by you lately. I can’t tell you how often I’ve been in the middle of work, dealing with clients, and thought, “Wow, I could really go for a juicy plate of Ossobucco right now, but who has the time?” Then I think of you and my mind goes numb. Your stainless steel, your non-stick easy clean liner… The thought of your Power Chopper, included free, just sends me over the edge.

You want to grab a bite sometime? You bring the heat and I’ll bring the meat (and vegetables and sauce). Let’s chill. Or chili or stew. Whatever. HMU. But keep it discreet. My NuWave thinks she’s my BAE.

Txt me.

Bad Dad

This probably makes me the worst dad ever, but when the boys are horsing around and someone inevitably gets hurt….I’m usually unsympathetic. After assessing that it isn’t a serious injury, I ask 3 basic questions:

1. Are you bleeding?
2. Is it broken?
3. Do I need to cut it off?

If the coast is clear, as insult to injury, “You going to do that again?”

Tough Guy

“Tough Guy” cruising around, pushing a tough stroller along side his tough wife and adorably tough kids… Cute. Then I notice the ginormous Honda “H” logo tattooed on the side of his neck.

Wait, what?!?

Theory of Oatmeal Attraction

I discovered a new theory of physics this morning while cleaning up an entire bucket of dry oatmeal spilled in the pantry: the amount of debris that sticks inside the broom and then drops onto the area you just swept increases inversely proportional to the decreasing amount of time you have to deal with this shit.

Panty Hunter

Conversation not to be overheard by minors:
Her: Did you see where my undies landed?

Him: you understand that if you’re asking me that, my mission is accomplished, right?

Her: Sure, ding dong, but what if the kids find my underwear?

Him: Its just proof that making babies takes practice.

Her: You’re impossible.

Him: Can we lose mine now?

Yoga? Pass.

I thought about trying yoga, but having to post a selfie to Instagram with an inspirational quote on every new pose seemed too overwhelming. Just like drinking a new smoothie at the gym or getting my nails done before a holiday. I just don’t need the pressure to post that…or be seen in those tights/hot shorts things…..guuuurl….

While you were sexting

Have you ever broken a sweat scrambling to clean up the kitchen, scrub down the kids, and return the house to a fa├žade of order just 10 minutes before your spouse arrives home after leaving you in charge of all the kids and errands for a day? Only so that you can throw yourself onto the sofa, baby and bottle in hand, composed like nothing has happened all day, when she walks through the door to casually say, “Oh, hey! You’re home,” like it was a pleasant but unnecessary surprise.

Yeah, me neither.

… (so tired)…

Parking Lot Conversations

I was just walking in the parking lot, towards my car, at the super market. I noticed a silver Jeep Cherokee coning towards me hauling ass. Older female drive, just casual as can be.

I’m already in a foul mood, unrelated to this.

“LOOK OUT!” I shouted, hands raised like she’s about to plow into a littler of kittens.

The driver slammed on her brakes leaving a good 10-15 feet of tread marks. She turned to me in a panic, “What?”

“Slow the fuck down. You’re in a parking lot.”

Apparently older lades in Jeep Cherokees know a LOT of foul language because she pretty much called me names I’ve never heard of as she rolled off.

I still hope she peed herself a little.