Spicy Peanut Butter Pizza

Spicy peanut butter pizza is an actual thing. It’s exactly as white trash ghetto as you’d expect and exponentially more delicious than you’d imagine.

I’m going to fix the recipe but, jeez, the foundation flavor profile was far more fun than I anticipated.

5 Year-old with a Knife

I was handed a Swiss Army knife for my 5th birthday by my mom’s stepdad. As soon as I opened it I heard her sigh, “No!”

The thought of handing my 5-year old a pocket knife strikes me as absurd as handing one to either my 11 or 13-year old. But that’s because they’ve never handled a knife, never cut themselves, never used it incorrectly so that they could learn otherwise from experience. In turn, they’ve never sharpened a stick to use as a spear, never split twigs to use as tools, never fashioned a fish hook.

I’ve ensured their safety by denying them the opportunity of learning basic survival skills. What a terrible exchange rate.

Bladder, You’re Grounded

“What?! No! You just went 5 minutes ago. You can hold it!”
“Seriously? We just left and all you did was stare at the wall. No way, I’m not stopping the car again.”
“Ohholyshit! Ok buddy I got you! Hang tight we’re gonna hustle and get you there! Hang on hang on hang on!”

Apparently I scold my bladder now as if it was one of my kids.

Getting old sucks. I’d hash tag that but I’m busy.

#flush.

Best Intended Plans

Dear Midnight Snack,

Mijo, I’m sorry. Sometimes even the best of plans don’t work out. But you know what? We don’t give in and we NEVER give up. We certainly don’t nosedive into a bowl of Sriracha to forget our problems. No, that’s never the answer.

I know how much you desperately wanted to be a taco tonight, mi amor. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. But I’m proud of the pollo-stuffed quesadilla you became! Look at you! You’re going to be the best quesadilla everrrrrr! Muy guapo!

So, chin up! Go put on your freshest Tapatio! Show the world that nothing can get in your way! You’ve got this!

Now get in mah belly!

I Can Read Sheet Music

I taught myself to read sheet music this afternoon, specifically for the violin. The music teacher has an axe to grind about #2’s skill and practice. I never learned to play an instrument or read music. So I can’t correct it if I have no idea how to instruct it. As of today I have a rudimentary understanding of string music and it’s so COOL!! Why didn’t I do this before?!?

Meanwhile, the boy… Apparently 1.5 years of violin lessons in one district amounts to little more than training to make wet fart noises with your hands in another district. I walked him through just the notes, then the measures, then the annotations unique to strings (and bows), everything I had learned in the last 2 hours. Realizing there is plenty of work cut out for us, I ask him to break out his violin and demonstrate while Jaimi and I scramble to make a late dinner for the family.

There’s that special moment when you look at your spouse and you both know you’re on exactly the same page, that whatever the challenge is, it is yours together, and it will not defeat anyone in the household. You acknowledge with your eyes that this is about to suck. We had that moment while I was peeling shrimp and Jaimi was rinsing broccoli as we listened to the introduction to the slaughter of the St Lawrence Overture. It was time to come to my son’s defense, demand he put the device down, and for me to notify the instructor that the boy isn’t the right student for her, she’s not the right tutor for him and we all just need to move along quickly. No sense in wasting anyone’s time when there are serious education issues afoot.

It was really nice sitting on the sofa tonight, at 10:30, after the emails to educators where written, calls to the boy’s mom to get sign off on my plan, after the late-napping 2 year old was put back down to bed again, after dishes were done, after the boys had turned off their headlamps for their books, and Jaimi and I sat down – finally – agreeing not to recap the day. We just shut up. In 30 seconds we were both snoring.

Happy Monday.

Google or Apple Maps?

A friend asked his network, “Google or Apple maps? Discuss.”

I could rant for days here. On one hand, we have GPS. Its government controlled, slow, somewhat inaccurate but usually works. On the other hand we have a cluster of USPS data, cars & cameras collecting imagery, and wildly abused user-contributed information all of which are dumped into the collective hive-mind of free map software. Like a map, scrawled in Sharpie, on the wall of a bathroom stall.

Google maps is brilliant for traffic info. Not just real time, but predictively, too! That’s because every Android and logged-in gmail account has been sharing real-time informatics (whether you like it or not). It’s brilliant. You can even see traffic patterns based on day of week, time of day, even holidays. Provided that you know exactly where you need to go.

Apple/iOS maps… I think I had 3 birthdays the last time I tried to load that up. It was so slow I used my car’s navigation system instead. Gawd knows that’s an act of pure desperation.

In all fairness, I can’t attest to which system is more accurate for physical addresses. The final responsibility rests upon the shoulders of the US Postal service. Unfortunately, that tax-payer funded agency is now little more than an indentured servant to Amazon. Ultimately, we need the USPS for authority in this department…as if they should be surveying geological and location data, not just stamps and commercial mailers, and providing accurate information on locations and addresses within our country.

We could call it the United States Geological Survey agency, or USGS.govfor short.

Oh, damn, that domain name is already registered.

Auto-focus

There are companies investing hundreds of millions of dollars into cramming more and more tech into goggles and glasses: gps, video recording, augmented overlays, social media feeds. That’s all fine and dandy. But they’re missing one critical feature that would revolutionize the tech space:

Auto-focus. My camera can do it. My phone can do it. Why can’t my glasses?

(Drops mic)

Embarrassing Bodies (Netflix)

Embarrassing Bodies (Netflix) – This one is “Not Rated” which means all bets are off as far as censorship rules go. With that said, 3 physicians visit 4 cities in England and give free exams to people who are suffering from potentially serious medical issues that the patients are just too embarrassed to see their general practitioner about.

We all have a body and that’s all we’ve been issued. Everyone has a flaw in there somewhere, and it deserves a physician’s review to prevent things from worsening, if not at least for your own piece of mind. This show takes a light approach to a difficult subject for every person, not one of us is excluded. Not. One.

If you’re offended by being naked or seeing other naked humans in a clinical setting, then you are absolutely the first person that needs to watch the first episode, start to finish. Next, get to a licensed medical doctor, force your way through embarrassment, and ask if you should continue to worry about whatever your concern is. You have one. It’s okay to ask.

No physician will judge you for being concerned about being ill, or for actually being ill for that matter. But no one can help you after you’ve lost because you didn’t seek treatment.

Asteroid Selfies

Japan can send a spacecraft 200 MILLION miles from Earth almost 4 years ago so that it can land on an asteroid, take some selfies, email them to us, pick up some pebbles as souvenirs, then pack up its kit and COME BACK TO EARTH (e.t.a. 2020). Just kidding, it’s not really ’email’ per se, but at 200 million miles, does the carrier protocol really matter?

Meanwhile my bluetooth devices a few feet away from each other aren’t friends and couldn’t be bothered. The Chromestick? Apparently it has a grudge against the Apple Airport based on each other’s stock prices. My phone that is 2 years newer than Hayabusa2 and can’t take a picture that can be trusted to self-adjust its white balance, let alone reliably send it as an attachment to my Gmail account. A $90,000 electric car can’t even manage a range of 400 miles.

Yet, Japan’s Hayabusa2….

Here I was thinking those of you that will spend over $1000 for the new iPhone XS were out of your minds… but you’re right: I need to start my own government so I can create my own space agency to buy some tech that just friggin’ works, where I want it, when I want it… even if that is 2, 20 or even 200 MILLION miles away. Or right here at my desk, every single time I need it…without a system update notice that includes a reboot.