Baby Its Cold… Wait, WHAT?!

“Baby, it’s Cold Outside.” Read the lyrics. It’s creepy. Even outside of the beautiful harmony when it’s sung as a duet. But do not, under any circumstances, confuse the dialogue of this song with the non-consensual violence of the R-word. That’s a reach beyond any sense of reason. Yes, the male is persuading aggressively, so much so that it’s really uncomfortable when you read the lyrics on their own.

Continue reading Baby Its Cold… Wait, WHAT?!

Spicy Peanut Butter Pizza

Spicy peanut butter pizza is an actual thing. It’s exactly as white trash ghetto as you’d expect and exponentially more delicious than you’d imagine.

I’m going to fix the recipe but, jeez, the foundation flavor profile was far more fun than I anticipated.

5 Year-old with a Knife

I was handed a Swiss Army knife for my 5th birthday by my mom’s stepdad. As soon as I opened it I heard her sigh, “No!”

The thought of handing my 5-year old a pocket knife strikes me as absurd as handing one to either my 11 or 13-year old. But that’s because they’ve never handled a knife, never cut themselves, never used it incorrectly so that they could learn otherwise from experience. In turn, they’ve never sharpened a stick to use as a spear, never split twigs to use as tools, never fashioned a fish hook.

I’ve ensured their safety by denying them the opportunity of learning basic survival skills. What a terrible exchange rate.

Bladder, You’re Grounded

“What?! No! You just went 5 minutes ago. You can hold it!”
“Seriously? We just left and all you did was stare at the wall. No way, I’m not stopping the car again.”
“Ohholyshit! Ok buddy I got you! Hang tight we’re gonna hustle and get you there! Hang on hang on hang on!”

Apparently I scold my bladder now as if it was one of my kids.

Getting old sucks. I’d hash tag that but I’m busy.

#flush.

Best Intended Plans

Dear Midnight Snack,

Mijo, I’m sorry. Sometimes even the best of plans don’t work out. But you know what? We don’t give in and we NEVER give up. We certainly don’t nosedive into a bowl of Sriracha to forget our problems. No, that’s never the answer.

I know how much you desperately wanted to be a taco tonight, mi amor. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. But I’m proud of the pollo-stuffed quesadilla you became! Look at you! You’re going to be the best quesadilla everrrrrr! Muy guapo!

So, chin up! Go put on your freshest Tapatio! Show the world that nothing can get in your way! You’ve got this!

Now get in mah belly!