Dad Inventory item #17: Mallet.

It might be made of rubber, it might not. But it’s required for the workbench.

Why? Cheap wristwatches for kids. These little alert bombs show up at birthdays, Christmas and random grandparent visits. The kids are thrilled. “Dad! Look! I have a watch now!”

That’s fucking great. But, no. No. You don’t. Because your mom and I control every minute of your schedule. You still can’t tell time and I sure as hell know that you can’t figure out what any of the 4 buttons on that watch do. Also, you just said it was zero four eighty when it was 4:08. You lose and I’m cutting you off of the wristwatch game.

Meanwhile, you’ve enabled the mother fucking sonofabitxh alarm clock on that $9 piece of crap so that it goes off at 01:00 just as I’m about to finally get some sleep.

Circling back, the mallet is an effective means to solve the wristwatch alarm clock time bomb nonsense. And there are no less than 4 of them freaking out in my garage right now. Problems solved…In one fell swoop, t-minus 3… 2…